About the Author Jacquie Moss
Hello. 'Mood Food Project' is my final project towards receiving a Nutrition Educator certificate from Bauman College. I developed an interest in nutrition while exploring treatments for my depression. With psychotherapy as a foundation, I was determined to find an alternative to anti-depressants.
From 15 to 32, being depressed was part of my identity. It was how I dealt with anger, disappointment, and loneliness. Alcohol and drugs were my vehicle for making it through most social situations. Perpetual hangovers of malaise and physical pain fed my depression. I was miserable, and I was stuck in a cycle. The only joy I experienced seemed to require alcohol and/or junk food. Margaritas and nachos. Red wine and chocolate. Cranberry juice and vodka.
For years, I'd been unhappy and sampled different coping styles. It's in my nature to go at it alone, which is what I did throughout my twenties. In college, I was a reclusive bookworm. It helped my grades, but not my emotional well-being. Next, I became a work addict. Again, a great boost for my career, but I was woefully lonely and incomplete. My social life was enabled by alcohol.
I began to have anxiety attacks. In 1996, I dappled with therapy in Austin, Texas. On day one, the therapist recommended an anti-depressant. I declined. I felt like I had the potential for change within me, and I didn't want to medicate. I moved to San Francisco a year later and soon fell into a debilitating depression. I asked a completely unfamiliar OB/GYN for a prescription. She readily indulged me. I tried Zoloft for three weeks. I felt completely disconnected from the rest of the world. It seemed as though a thick membrane had filled the space between my brain and my skin. That was the last time I took pharmaceuticals for depression.
I did a 180. I rejected my reclusive side and became a complete social butterfly. I went out every night of the week. I was usually drunk five out of seven nights. Occasionally high on ecstasy or cocaine, but always practicing my biggest, warmest smile. I grew increasingly disinterested in work. It was truly the best of times and the worst. Some good came out of it... I recovered the part of myself that enjoys activity and appreciates good friends. Still, I hated myself, and I was self-destructing. It took falling apart -- and I'll spare you those details -- to finally seek help.
Thankfully, I found a great therapist, someome who believed in my potential to change. For the first two years, I saw her three times a week. During this time I continued many of my bad habits -- destructive relationships, alcohol abuse, and occasional drug binges -- but I was more aware of what I was doing. About a year into the process, my therapist apologetically told me that I had to see a psychiatrist in order to continue receiving insurance coverage. The visit with the psychiatrist was painful. He angrily told me that if I ever wanted to get better that I needed to enroll in an alcohol treatment program and take anti-depressants. I didn't agree with his approach, but his message hit home. I was committed to finding a solution that was neither alcohol rehab or anti-depressants. (This is not to say that those treatments aren't right for some people.)
I was finally accepting that my relationship with alchohol was unhealthy. Even if it was a social activity, and not something I did by myself, I still had a problem. It seemed like everyone around me was able to drink more than I could, and they didn't seem to be suffering like I was. I wasn't being fair to myself -- or others. I couldn't see that everyone deals with pain differently.
Quitting alcohol was incredibly difficult, and it took a number of tries before I was successful. But it didn't stop there. My recovery involved a comprehensive approach, including:
My recovery didn't happen all at once, and it's still an ongoing process. I have set-backs, which tend to be good reminders of why I'm doing it in the first place.
It's now five years since I started therapy; five years since I began to nuture myself; and I want to share the knowledge and experience I've gained in overcoming depression. I still get blue, but I have a healthier toolset for handling the low points. I understand that recovery is not about eliminating problems, but learning how to flow through the ups and downs of life with grace and openness. Also, I know now that being depressed is not my identity.
Email me your questions or comments.
P.S.
In addition to studying nutrition, I am an owner and Creative Director at Odopod -- a web design studio in San Francisco. We design interactive experiences for Nike, MTV, Clif Bar, Yahoo!, among others. I earned a degree in Architecture from the University of Texas at Austin. I live and run in lovely Fairfax, California -- just across the Golden Gate Bridge.
